The DistRogue

Friday, April 13, 2007

A newbie's guide to Windows Vista

I apologize in advance for any eye or brain injuries you might receive from reading this parody.

Are you ready to upgrade to the latest and greatest version of Microsoft "All your crash are belong to us" Windows? Well, here's everything you need to know:
-New artwork! We have a ripped-off completely new icon theme with Vista, and we've even changed the look of the little bar at the bottom! It looks shinier now, and that's all that matters!
-New effects! Look at all the shiny stuff! Vista has a new Alt-Tab switcher which nobody uses, a new Aero(tm) theme ripped off from KDE's "Crystal" windeco, and Windows Flip 3D which the Mac has had for years as Exposé!!! We know these don't matter to anyone with half a brain, but it's all shiny and we use a lot of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!1111 So go out and buy the Ultimate Edition for all the shiny stuff that you could get for free, but better, on Linux!
-Easier to use! Okay, so it's not really easier to use, but we're the marketing department! Believe us... It's easier than evar!!!!!!!11111oneoneone
-More secure! Remember all those people yakking about DRMs? Well, they lied! We have DRMs in Vista, but they're not to cripple your rights! They're there so you can enjoy a nice, buggy secure "Wow!" experience and not be bothered by bad men who exploit flaws we were too lazy to patch!!! Aren't we smaaart? Smarter than those Linux egocentrics who think their OS is better than anyone else's just because it just works better than ours?
All you need to have your "Wow!" start now is a Beowulf cluster of Core 2 Duo-based computers overclocked to 4GHz which is impossible since Vista has no clustering support, and a minimum of 8GB of RAM per system. That's low! The best Linux has to offer is 26GB idle! Oh, wait, that's 26MB, not GB, and an LFS-based desktop could probably go even lower... If you're still using that Core Solo 1.66GHz you bought last year, it's out of date, go get a new computer! Don't you feel sorry for those little Linux kids zipping by on their 800MHz Celeron laptops which you can, contrary to belief, actually use as a workstation? You want power! Don't try to deny it, you want those shiny new Aero effects! Compiz actually runs (relatively well, too) on said laptops...
Now, be a good little brainwashed Microsoftie and go out there and buy Vista... Because if you don't, we'll have it on every computer you buy by the end of 2007! Make your "Wow" start now. Wow! As in, "Wow, it took them five years to make this???"
From Windows Vista!!!
omgwtfbbq teh 1337-|)!57|206|_|3!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was hoping to learn something useful, not just read another rant. You could have pointed out that Vista is an incremental update of XP with many arbitrary changes for security reasons like different boot files and restrictions that prevent current Third Party anti-virus, anti-Spyware, and firewall apps from running. But is missing really new and useful stuff like the new file system, WinFS. Because Vista's main feature is hardware driver level DRM, it is a performance PIG and takes at least 1 GB of RAM (won't even install with less than 512MB) to get XP comparable performance.

Of course, if you have a Blue Ray or HD DVD player don't expect to output high def video to your big screen. Even if you don't have that stuff, system performance suffers about 12-20% all the time because of the DRM encryption overhead in the drivers. Did I mention, future hardware will only have drivers for Vista by license agreement? Even though Vista will come with your next PC, it won't make your computing experience easier or better. It will enforce increased govt. and industry control over your PC and guarantee Microsoft's continued dominance, especially in the US.

9:46 PM  
Blogger DJ Gentoo said...

Sorry, I just needed some stress-relief. And some people even though it was funny... Not that I blame you for thinking otherwise (it wasn't all that good- or good at all).
Future hardware will only have drivers for Vista by license? That's what we have reverse-engineering for. But thanks for pointing out the RAM statistic to me. Now, DRMs aren't the only reason to switch to Linux... Thanks for your comment, I'm glad to hear some constructive criticism every once in a while.

11:52 PM  

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